You Pardoned the Wrong Turkey

Think you’ll be picked this year?  For the presidential pardon?

Well…someone has to be picked, so yeah, there’s a little part of me that thinks it could be me.

Geez.  It isn’t random. It’s not like the lottery.  They don’t just pick any turkey.  You’ve got to have a certain ‘quality’. 

Really? Like what?  What sort of ‘quality’ would one turkey have that the others don’t.

Well, you’ve got to have social gravitas.  Be able to interact with the cameras, schoolchildren, the press.  Egad.  The press.

I could do that. 

Really?  And you can’t be strange.  Like Eddie.  He’s just strange.  I mean, we’re all over here, and he’s all alone over there – by the door no less.  First bird to the door, is the first on the floor – that’s what I say.

Egad.  You’re right. So what about you though?  Do you think that you’d be in the running?  

Maybe.  Yeah.  I guess. I’m pretty good in a group setting.  I practically run the barn.  Would it be a challenge?  Perhaps.  It could be a pretty stressful experience for the wrong bird.  But don’t get me wrong.  If they asked me, I would take it.

I dunno.  I still think that there’s a chance it’ll be me. I might not have that ‘social gravitas’ thing, but I am pretty easy going.  I would totally be like ‘Schoolchildren? Eh..go ahead, pet me. Cameras? Fine.’

I agree with you.  You are very easy going.  More to the point though, I agree that you have no social skills. When you and that she-turkey got all gamey on each other in the middle of the barn this morning.  That was just gross.

That’s a natural turkey thing.  If anything, a strong libido is a good quality in a turkey.  Shows I’m healthy.  That might be the sort of ‘quality’ they ‘re looking for.

Actually, that’s just the sort of thing that could get you disqualified… for ‘unpredictability’.

Really?  You’re making this all up.  I don’t think that they’ll –

Hey you guys!  The Secret Service showed up! They picked a turkey!

Who was it? 

Eddie! 

Why Eddie?

He was closest to the door.